Posts Tagged ‘struggles’

One thing I’ve ALWAYS struggled with is assertiveness. Jesus set an example by laying his life down, but he ALSO threw over a couple tables in the temple, so I always wonder when it’s appropriate to sacrifice my pride and when (or if) it’s ever okay to start flipping tables (metaphorically speaking). AND Sunday’s message at church was about revenge, as we were covering the Sermon on the Mount and the passage which talks about “turning the other cheek.” (Matthew 5:38-42). Our pastor spoke about the verse in this passage where Jesus says (paraphrased), “If someone forces you to walk a mile, go with him two.” He explained to us about how Roman soldier could pick anyone to carry their 60-pound packs but the law was they could only make them carry it one mile. Anyhoo, the whole gist was that if men volunteered to carry the pack another mile, of their own volition, it would shame the soldiers for using them. And then our pastor said something that I’ve always wondered; “Jesus isn’t saying you should be a doormat.”
I have people in my life who seem like they no longer want to be around me. It’s not black and white, but their lack of enthusiasm seems like a pretty clear indicator to me. And I have trouble letting friendships go and so I feel I keep setting myself up as I continue to solicit their companionship only to be answered with an “ehhh.” Also, being a total-unabashed-”people-person” doesn’t help, because if I could, I’d be with people, with others, 24 hours a day (ask me if I feel the same after pulling 12-hour shifts around people all day, ha).
My question is, should I continue to work on these relationships and sacrifice my pride, is that what Jesus would do, what He calls me to do? Or is this the time to let it go, to just “get” that I am not a priority to them and go on? And I pray about this, and I’m not looking for you all to be my Holy Spirit and conscience, I just wonder how other people handle these things. Even though our pastor said we weren’t called to be doormats, I still wonder where the line is, when are we called to “shame” people like the Jews were told by Jesus to do to the Roman soldiers? When we’re oppressed?
And, lastly, I CANNOT BELIEVE anyone dislikes me or doesn’t have me as their number 1 priority. I mean, COME ON! ha!

LOVE!

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This week was really tough. Tough as in I definitely just hooked up my bluetooth keyboard and mouse so I could be more comfortable while typing out this entry. I don’t so much have a problem with the start of the week, although it was stressful it was definitely a high point. Or THE high point. In case you didn’t hear it through the grapevine, I got an A on my final as well as an A+ on my Head to Toe Practicum, leaving me with a solid A in Assessment. YAY. Oh how quickly the joy comes and goes in this program. We were immediately hit hard with Pathophysiology (my arch nemesis) and Fundamentals (which I fondly refer to as Boodamentals). Fundamentals had 18 assigned chapters as well as at least an hour of practice questions for Thursday and Friday. We had a test in Pathophysiology this morning. So Patho got the upper hand and all of my time last night (6 hours to be exact). What I wish someone would have told me last night was this: “Go ahead and read for Fundamentals because all of that studying you are doing for Patho? WILL BE USELESS.” I MAY have scored better had I not known ANYTHING for this test. Thankfully the Fundamentals professors have been flexible and merciful and let us get by without reading, though it will be done this weekend because our first test in Monday (second test Friday).
I don’t even really know what to say about the Pathophysiology exam this morning. Let’s just say this morning was the first time I cried due to school-related emotionalness. It was a mess. A lot of people are in the same boat as I am and this makes me feel better. Not one person scored an A on this exam, which CLEARLY shows that it was faulty, ha. If you hadn’t already surmised that from the fact that I did not do well on it. We got our test booklets and I literally laughed (chuckled actually) because THERE WAS NO FREAKING WAY I KNEW WHAT THOSE QUESTIONS WERE ASKING. So yes, I did not do well. Dad, if you are reading this, I will gently remind you this is a JUDGE-FREE ZONE. As long as I am addressing readers, “Broseph” is it? Thank you for capping off my GREAT day by complaining that I blogged about nothing yesterday. Sorry to have wasted your time poopface. This is my blog and I WILL BLOG ABOUT WHAT I WANT. I reserve the right to NEVER mention you again, so watch out.
Okay so during lunch time I find that SOMEONE stole my Diet Coke from the communal fridge.
Dear someone who stole my diet coke,
Today was not the day to steal much needed caffeine and joy from me. One day you will be in the hospital or need nursing care and let’s just say karma is a b-word. You are a poopface too. I know you stole the banana bread I brought for my classmates as well as C’s lunch.
Love, M

I’m just gonna come out and say I have been struggling with some other stuff too. Yes, this is me, opening up to the internet. I trust you. I’m really having a hard time with my singleness (again). I HATE saying that because I feel like the ultimate post-college Christian girl. Boohoo I didn’t get a hubby in college, woe is me. I hate that, I hate that you either have to be a miserable singleton frantically searching out “the one” or you’re the girl that “totally fine being single, love it, wouldn’t have it any other way, really, no really” (said in really high tones cleary conveying fineness). I don’t want to be either. I want to me. But why does everyone else have someone? How come everyone else gets to have ADORABLE babies? Deep down I KNOW there is reason and purpose behind where I am at now. Okay I can’t even talk anymore about this because it’s depressing and so cliche and I may start crying again. So I laid it out there people, don’t make me regret it. I guess what I am saying is, listen I’m struggling and a lot of that is due to stress (and maybe some hormones) and I really need my “peeps” right now.
I really wish I could put up a new picture but I haven’t had time to take any. How about a picture of where I was a year ago? Will that do?

okay I can’t resist putting another up

taken by Alex, aka “Broseph”.

LOVE!

PS I’ve password protected a few posts. You guys have all read them so I’m not worried.

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