Archive for April, 2008

seriously?

I’m catching up on Grey’s Anatomy and stumbled upon THIS while watching. Safe to say I cried a bit. I know that everyone feels like they were a victim in high school (unless high school was the BEST time of your life, in which case, listen UP!) and I also know that high school was a LONG TIME AGO. I’m over it. I’m okay with who I am. But it also helps to see this, because this means I wasn’t alone, someone else out there felt the same way. Even if I still feel like that sometimes. And yes, I’m realize it’s more than a little ridiculous to read into a TELEVISION show. But I could totally identify the guy in my life that she’s talking about. That’s why I only hang out with people who see me.

LOVE!

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Status (pronounced STAY-tus)

I went to ULTA, I bought Russian Navy, but wouldn’t you know there was ANOTHER dark blue that VERY much appealed to me. dang it. I think I can classify blue polish as an official addiction. I wore Russian Navy ALL weekend long and it was GLORIOUS. Trying to take said nail polish off before work this morning, yeah, not so glorious. In fact 3.5 of my nails are still painted. The rest look like they’ve been strangled. I can’t wait for summer when I can wear angsty nail polish for WEEKS.

So it is T minus 12 days (or is it T-12?) until I move. I have probably 10 boxes packed. 10 out of ah, most likely 50. AHHHH! I keep thinking that every night after work I will pack a couple more boxes and eventually I will be ready! I can just picture my parents showing up and being SHOCKED because NOTHING is packed. Don’t worry, there will be AT LEAST 10 boxes ready to go. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate moving? Because I do HATE MOVING. But it must be done. Seriously, where did I get all of this stuff? It must multiply when I’m not looking. I AM LOOKING NOW! I can hear my father’s voice at this very moment, “PURGE! Throw all that stuff away.” Okay dad, I’m on it despite the evil multiplying forces working against me.

Have I told you how much I love my best friend? Because I do. A. LOT. She spent the weekend over here and was totally cool when I acted the absolute wet blanket (or is it towel?) I am. It was an off-weekend for me, what can I say. I’m holding tightly to the hope that we WILL live close in the near future. I can’t live without her, seriously, she’s my addiction. And TODAY she stopped by after work and had dinner with us. I wish we lived right down the street from one another so we could pop by any ole time. Someday, someday.

Okay I’m off to do more of that wet-blanketing.

LOVE!

ps I think this movie is HILARIOUS. I laugh out loud EVERY stinkin’ time I watch it.

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Russian Navy Fingernails

I spend a lot of time wishing I was different. Different in one specific way that I’m not brave enough to say here. It is something I have struggled with since, well, maybe 14? Sometimes it’s hard to believe I’m worth knowing, worth spending time with because this ONE thing seems so overwhelming, seems so unconquerable. I don’t say this because I want to elicit pity, eck, that’s so not me. In the past few years something wonderful has happened despite this despondency (woe is me, ha). I’ve become braver in who I am. It all started with a pair of bright pink Born shoes on sale at Nordstrom. If you ask me, most good things DO start at shoe sales. I don’t know that I can accurately describe my style or personality up to that point in time. I was (and still am) extremely preppy. Don’t judge! I like to stay within the bounds of normalcy. Who the person is that determines my bounds of clothing normalcy I have no idea. I just didn’t like grabbing unwanted good or bad attention because of the way I dressed. Not that I do want that attention now. It just occurred to me that it doesn’t have to be about attention, it can be about REALLY STINKIN’ WANTING those amazingly pink shoes, which happen to be on sale. So I started branching out, stretching the limits of my comfort to more accurately portray who I really am…through my clothing. It all sounds so silly and teenager-like as I write this, but it’s true! The funny thing is that I receive more comments when I’m wearing my pink shoes or madras Sketchers (my creativity expresses itself through shoes I guess) than any other time. I guess I thought people would judge me for my crazy shoes, but they LIKE THEM.
My strongest impulse at this very moment is to paint my fingernails Russian Navy (see below), which is a dark blue, almost black. I really didn’t think I was that girl. I like natural nails or pink nails, MAYBE if I’m feeling daring, I’ll sport a “racy” color and then refer to myself as a “working girl” the rest of the day. But I’ve never wanted, well let’s be honest, “emo” nails. NOW I DO. And I love that I want that. As soon as I get off work today, because, of course, I still adhere to work rules, I’m buying that nail polish and painting all my nails. And then I will relish in how good it feels to be me.
Dear mom and dad, do not despair! Even though my nails may be uncharacteristically dark blue, I promise to not hide in my room listening to Megadeath while thinking about how I hate the world this summer. Because if navy blue nails mean anything to me they mean I LOVE THE WORLD, especially the world that lets me paint my nails!

LOVE!

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Twilight Zone

Saturday night I picked up a shift at Starbucks because the word “no” is impossible for me to say. Okay so I also could use more hours! I don’t know what I was thinking. It was HORRIBLE. Anyhoo, it was an 8-hour shift. Yeah, see, I’m used to 6 hour shifts. You may think that those 2 extra hours don’t mean much, but you would be WRONG. It was also a closing shift. I’ve closed ONCE before, so I’m not exactly what you would call a professional at it. All that (yes those last 9 sentences) was moot because what I REALLY wanted to tell you was that my throat started to get sore that night. I suffered through all of yesterday but this morning it was REALLY bad. You know what I’m talking about. Mornings are always poopy when it comes to sore throats. You know that moment where you first wake up, try to swallow and realize things are gonna be HARD today, especially throat-related things. I actually, in my half-asleep stupor, had a mild panic attack when I thought that my throat might be swelling shut. Seriously? I got up a little early, puttzed around for a bit then headed upstairs to get Loren up. I check his dad’s room first because it’s the first door once you come up the stairs. He wasn’t there, but that’s not that unusual these days. Then I go to his room. There is no Loren there. Where is Loren? I start yelling his name but I receive no answer. I promptly email his father asking where Loren is. Then freak out because I’m afraid I’ll cause him to freak out. So I check every closet and bathroom in case Loren’s had an accident and/or passed out and cannot answer me. He has not. Twenty minutes before the bus comes I get an email BACK from Loren’s father informing me that Loren is with his mother. THANKS FOR TELLING ME. I get ANOTHER email from my boss 10 minutes later letting me know that we’re having a guest for dinner. Seriously?
Note to self: When dating future husband, inform him that things like this will NOT fly. I need to be in the loop.

I want to have a real weblog, you know one where the name of my site is not preceded by anything. I’m rather selfish about my web address, I want it all to myself. I’ve already thought of a name for my wonderful “real” blog, but I can’t share because I’m afraid someone will steal it. Too bad I don’t know how to build websites.

LOVE!

ps my throat is feeling better though! Oh and dinner is cooking as I write!

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For fun

My top 5 Most Irrational Fears

1. I will wake up choking and there will be no cup of water on my nightstand
2. Finding something creepy/crawly in my bed i.e. an insect or rodent…GAH! shudder
3. That finding the love of my life won’t be as great as I’d made it up to be
4. I will stay the same as I am right now for forever
5. That I will be left working at Starbucks with no help from my coworkers (?)

Okay so #s 3 and 4 aren’t so much irrational as totally real and petrifying. But also irrational. They would go on my list of top 5 Terrifying Things I Think About Every Day. So sorry “List of 5 Terrifying Things I Think About Every Day”, I borrowed two of your numbers. I’m in charge and that’s just how it’s gonna be. If you cop attitude with me, well, I reserve the right to not publish you. That’s right! The world may never know the entirety of my “List of 5 Terrifying Things I Think About Every Day”. I seriously just typed that phrase 3 times in one paragraph.

And #5? Since when do I have abandonment issues? Did I get bored one day, decide I didn’t have enough emotional baggage, make up a new life history, one that definitely included being abandoned by those I love most and build a complex from that? Seriously people, working at Starbucks gives you ISSUES. Even made-up, totally ridiculous issues. Today I definitely thought to myself, “I can’t do anything RIGHT at this job.” Sheesh. The good news is I am over it. And dealing with my oh-so-real (so real that it gets extra punctuation) “abandonment” issues.

LOVE!

ps I’m not really listening to this cd, though I’m sure it’s good. I’m listening to a single but apparently xanga does not recognize singles. What a music snob that xanga is.

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Dear subconscious,

I am addressing this letter to you because I am told you are responsible for my dreams. I love dreams, I love to dream (because it means I am sleeping) and I thank you for providing that wonderful service. Thank you for allowing me to escape and sometimes be someone else for a bit.
HOWEVER, I feel that some ground rules should be laid down. Please resist the urge to include ex-boyfriends (all of whom are NOW married) into my dreams. Combining certain people such as the aforementioned with my wedding to them or having romantic feelings for them, well it’s a lose-lose situation and I don’t care much for it. Oh yeah, and those dreams where I’m in a hurry or panicked (to marry an ex-boyfriend), I don’t much like those either. It is my belief that one should awake feeling refreshed and ready to face the day, not totally creeped out.

The following are acceptable dream matter:
1. Prince William
2. Me marrying Prince William
3. Me looking like a supermodel

There are so many MORE acceptable dream topics, but I’ll leave those to the daydreams.

Sincerely,
Mandy

LOVE!

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dinner

This sums Loren up in a couple of nutshells.

Said with complete authority: “There is a rap cd called ‘E=mc²’, I think it was Albert Einstein’s.”

“Dad, do you think that when we go to the dollar store I can get a fake afro?”

LOVE!

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Thursday night special: more of the same

Why yes, my name in Native American IS “one who sounds like broken record”, how did you know? Okay, so the deal is that all I can ever think about blogging on is my move back home, how my taxes were HORRENDOUSLY hard this year (elaboration to follow) and how I’m already missing people that I’m leaving. I suppose these are BIG things, meaning I think about them a lot, meaning that is the summation of my blogging fodder for the moment. So I’m sorry. Being a faithful subscriber means sticking through the new and exciting things as well as the SAME OLD stuff. Unfortunately for you, my SAME OLD stuff is abounding. I give you permission to stop reading at this point, no strings, no guilt.
I feel there is a lot going on in this life of mine, however a lot of those things are outside the boundaries of appropriate blogging material, sorry.
It seems like the big move and trip to Australia are creeping up rather quickly. Last Wednesday I opened the floodgates of being sad about moving and I DO mean floodgates. Okay, there wasn’t really that much crying. Being a human and all, I am familiar with the pushing away of feelings I don’t want to deal with. Being sad about leaving lots of great friends here in Virginia? That can wait until, oh, next year-ish. Better yet, next century-ish. However, if I learned anything from my experience with Baba’s death, and my lack of courage to say a real, true goodbye to her, I learned you MUST take each moment captive, that you will have to feel things, whether it be now or later. It’s so much better to feel them NOW, when you can most appreciate what is still with you rather than wait until it is gone and you’ve missed your chance. Sadness plus regret = NO GOOD. I guess letting in the sadness makes room for what joy is left to experience as well. Oh what wisdom I’ve accrued in these 24.5 years of mine! Feel free to be amazed.
SOOOO, taxes, could you be more confusing? I’ve never wanted to pull my hair out more than when I sit down at my desk and open that dreaded turbotax program. I FINALLY got my cousin (the accountant) on board and discovered that either I am A) a genius at trading mutual funds and should make it my life’s work or B) am horribly ignorant of all things tax-related. Turns out the answer is B. Who knew? Unfortunately I DID not make $10,000 “playing” the stock market last year, lest the FIRST federal return I printed convince you otherwise. It did feel like I was getting kicked in the rear by the IRS ONE TOO MANY times lately. I assumed that’s what it felt like to be an adult. So all of that is done, I’m crossing everything that can be crossed while praying fervently that I’ve done everything correctly.

Here’s to hoping you have something NEW! and EXCITING! to blog about in the near future!

LOVE!

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On the list of things I need to do

finish taxes-call nursing schools-finish college scrapbook-pack!-visit knitting store to help with my project (again!)-send birthday card-send copy of taxes to my genius accountant cousin-pick up my tips from Starbucks-give up Dr. Pepper (again!)-give up sugar-figure out where I’ll live in KC-wash sheets-get gas (eek!)-find a way to ship my sofa home-find that dang antibiotic cream-start working out again-go see the cherry blossoms-get my hair trimmed

Geez Luis!

LOVE!

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Addiction

I REALLY, really think I have an “addictive personality”. Now, do I know exactly what that means? No. But it sounds like me! Yesterday I read for something like 4 hours, finishing the “Forever In Blue”, the last book in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series. I told you I was really 14-years-old. After mourning that there will never be another book in the series I moved on to “For Men Only”, a quick and rebellious read, as I am, obviously (it BETTER be obvious) not a man. It was very insightful, so if you’re a man wondering about women because you’re befuddled (YES, befuddled) by your relationship with a woman, please do read this book. If you are a woman in the vice versa situation, read “For Women Only”, trust me. I know when I say “trust me”, it’s a tad hard as my longest relationship lasted 5ish months, was 5 years ago and led to nothing. HOWEVER, this book will be SO helpful when I do enter in that oh-so-special relationship. WHOA tangent! Moving on, after finishing that book, I started “Into the Wild”. It’s really interesting and unlike any other book I’ve ever read. It’s strange to know how the book will end and yet want to read it anyway! I didn’t even turn the t.v. on yesterday, which is a nice change. Reading, I just can’t get enough of you.

Okay, so I wasn’t intending on actually writing a post, I just wanted to post some pictures from my last visit to the National Cathedral. I could seriously spend a week there just taking pictures!

LOVE!

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